I am the queen bee of expectations. This fact has made my life harder than it should be. Having great expectations for people and even more so of myself, sets the stage for frequent letdown and disappointment. I am thinking about expectations today because of a sweet and poignant morning moment with my non-stop energy ball of a 3-year-old. As I dropped my biggest boy off at school today, I was overcome with love and emotion for him as he held my hand into the classroom, then kissed his little brother and then me (on the lips!) and then hugged me tight and said, “Love ya, Mom. Come get me soon.” This was after a mellow, battle-free, love fest type of morning. I walked out of the classroom fighting tears because it was just the sweetest experience for me and to be honest, a rare moment these days. I was just so proud of his little self.

While making the quick trip home, I was struck with a powerful realization of how I expect this type of behavior every moment of every day and end up disappointed and frustrated when we fight over everything from waffles, to the potty, to which shoes to wear and then brushing teeth. After surviving such a frenzied morning battle zone, drop off at school is followed by a dizzying wave of relief.

Last week a very wise and weathered mom of 4 amazing grown-up kids told me to stop expecting everything to be easy and peaceful. She told me not to expect anything except for my vision of a peaceful and mellow day to unravel before my eyes more often than not. After she left I thought, man, why is she such a downer? I am not going to let go of being a positive person; it’s who I am! A few days later and I am in complete understanding of what she meant, and as I combine her wisdom with a little traditional yoga wisdom of staying present, I feel like I can let go of some of these expectations that keep creating feelings of disappointment (and sometimes failure).

Having no or very low expectations of a day means (to me) that there is finally room for grace, and we all need a lot of grace. As human beings we are so far from perfect, and so flawed, but it’s within these “imperfections” that we grow and become gritty, strong, layered and compassionate. By imposing expectations on my kids, I think I could truly be limiting our range of experiences together and getting in the way of essential growth that needs to happen.

The best way I can think of to get out of my expectation trap, is to come back to the wisdom of just staying in the present moment, allowing my 3-year-old to be a 3-year-old, letting each moment, whether difficult or awesome, to unfold before us without judgment or expectation. I can then use the space I’ve created by not having expectations, to work on ways to get through any challenges we are facing. Maybe I will be pleasantly surprised when I let go of some of this crap…at the very least, I know my son will appreciate having a little more space and a little more grace in his life.

I am tired of writing about my injury, so I am going to keep this update short, just for the sake of keeping you in the loop. According to my MRI, I have multiple stress fractures (I was very, very wrong in my last post) in my left foot, am back on pain pills and am wearing an immobilizing boot for the next 60 days. I can’t go to yoga classes until I am pain-free, but I am continuing to learn how to teach and am focusing on being grateful for that. At teacher training this weekend, I managed to do a few postures with my big ole’ boot on. My adorable and supportive classmates joked that I was doing “bootleg yoga” which definitely made me smile, something I needed desperately. Not being able to attend yoga classes has caused me some sadness, but being able to laugh over the boot was a moment of much needed relief. Thank you to my beautiful TT yogi friends for being so supportive and making me laugh.

So, since teacher training began in January, 2012, our lives have been filled with so much that is awesome. This foot thing has been a setback for sure, and sometimes I feel really sad because yoga isn’t just something I do, it is my stress release and my passion and when I can’t do it, there is an empty space in my heart. However, back to the awesome stuff, after four lonely-ish years in the East Bay, I have met a group of mamas with kids the same age as Matt, who have become an integral part of my life (and Matt’s life!). I am not sure, but I kind of feel that without the support of this group of mamas, that I might be feeling a lot worse about the fact I can’t do yoga and definitely about the fact that despite my defiance, we are approaching the terrible two’s at a fast and furious pace.

Friends are incredibly important to me and always have been. Our husbands and children are the air we breathe, absolutely, but there is nothing like an afternoon with a good girlfriend (or five). Women you can cry in front of, who understand when your child throws something at their TV, “love taps” their kid, and spits out his goldfish all over their rug, someone who enjoys your kid’s cuddles just as much as you do, and most importantly, someone who agrees with your mantra of “let’s just wait to see if one of them cries before we do any disciplining.” Now, more than ever, I appreciate their place in my life and my place in theirs. Getting through the witching hour (approx 4pm – 6pm) with these mamas, sometimes as we are hanging by a thread, is better than therapy. It’s been in the laid back, supportive, understanding company of these friends that I have really found a sense of home.

I dropped an unopened bottle of wine on my already sore foot a few weeks ago. It truly was a case of adding insult to injury (giggle). I forgot the wine was in the trunk of my SUV and when I opened it, the bottle came rolling warp speed landed cork end down, right on the top of my foot, which had been feeling cranky for a while. Long story short, I have some nerve damage and a possible stress fracture (I truly doubt the stress fracture diagnosis, and I am putting off the MRI until we see how the nerve meds work). I am currently taking 2 prescribed drugs, a vitamin B complex, a pain patch and a cream from a compound pharmacy, filled with a myriad of medications that are all supposed to work together to take the edge off.

Oh, SO embarrassing and truly painful.

The good news is that my doc recommended that I still do yoga. She said that with nerve injuries, if a person stops moving the injured area, that the result could be much worse than if the area was moved. So, teacher training this past weekend was slightly difficult due to all the physical practice, but I am so thankful that I could actually participate, as I would have been devastated if I was told to stay off my foot. I have a follow up appointment tomorrow morning, so we shall see what the doc says…

Changing subjects, we started practicing our teaching this week, yikes! Noah is my guinea pig, the poor thing has to have a lot of patience as I try to lead him through difference yoga sequences. I am really excited because I am going to be practicing on a few mama friends of mine in just a few days, so I am obsessively working on my plans for this. If you want to be good, you have to practice and you have to get past all your mental “crap”, which I have plenty of.

I made an awesome little connection the other day while visiting my son’s pediatrician for our 18-month well visit. As it turns out, Matty’s favorite word is “fire,” pronounced, “fy-yah!” with an adorable emphasis and fiery enthusiasm that only a toddler can exude. Amusingly, Matty’s doctor’s name is Dr. Eyer, whom he calls, “Doca Fy-yah!” Matty entertained us for about half an hour, while being examined, as he verbally worked out the connection between Doca Fy-yah, the pain he felt, and the overall discomfort and unfamiliarity of the visit (18 – 24 months is a brutal time for doc appointments). As we left Doca Fy-yah’s office, after lots of poking, prodding and a series of shots, my poor son was heard whimpering softly in his carseat, repeating the following words: “shots, band aid, doca fy-yah, hot, fy-yah, hot, ouch, band aid.” Not only was this adorable, but it made me think of the Sanskrit term “tapas” which literally means “heat.” I have been learning that the purpose of doing our yoga asanas is to burn off negative energy as well as mental and physical toxins. This sounds beautiful in theory, but the actual process can create a lot of heat, which can be quite uncomfortable to endure (ouch, hot, fire!). However, without the heat, we miss out on the incredible benefits, which can have an amazing effect on our mental and physical well being. I love that through my yoga practice I can challenge myself and my samskaras (old habits), by feeling that warm heat radiating deep inside, and knowing that by breathing deeply and turning inward, I can get through it.

A little FIRE (FY-YAH!) in a person’s life, even though it might be tough to sit with, can be an incredibly healthy and beneficial thing. My little man’s clear (and sometimes sweetly bumbling) attempts to verbalize his experience with “fire”, are a humorous reminder for me to stick with it when things get heated.

Last weekend was our second teacher training session (out of ten). It was intense, both physically and mentally, and I ended up leaving with a very sore back from sitting cross–legged on the floor for several hours straight each day (more on that in a minute). On Saturday we chatted about the first chapter of “Light on Yoga”, which is super dense, as I have mentioned. Then we focused on opening up our shoulder girdles and backs, and ended with backbends. The shoulder girdle is to the arms and hands as the pelvis is to the feet and legs, if that makes sense. So, the shoulder girdle needs to be strong and stable in order to do a shoulder stand, headstand or handstand. We stood at the wall and stretched our arms in ways that seemed unnatural. These stretches were excruciating and almost a week later, both of my arms are still sore. Stretching this way did make an incredible difference, though, in terms of my backbend. We mostly used metal chairs, straps, blocks (and had partners involved as well, one with a strap around the upper back and one with a strap at the low back, which helped pull us into a properly aligned backbend), so the correct feeling of the backbend was achieved. It was so awesome; I LOVE being upside down!

On Sunday we started out with an hour of pure sun salutations, Surya Namaskara. I have to tell you that I LOVE sun salutations! They make me feel so wonderful (until the following day when every single muscle hurts). By the end of the day, after the sun salutations and trying to sit up straight while our discussions were going on, I had shooting pains up my back, specifically at my thoracic spine. I decided to schedule a private session with Gloria, my teacher who is very educated in yoga therapy. She watched me move and stretch and then told me that my psoas (pronounced so-az) muscle – this crazy little muscle that is responsible for many back problems – is super tight on my right side, and my left side is having to compensate for it. So she created a 20-minute yoga practice to release my right psoas and stretch my right ribs, with plenty of breathing of course. Now, before I started on this journey, when my thoracic was sore, I would sit in the bath (maybe with a glass of yummy cabernet), maybe book a massage, but mostly just whine about the pain. It has been so incredibly fascinating to learn about muscles, such as the psoas (do you know where your psoas is?), and how to work on them to alleviate the pain. After I work on this tightness for a few months, I will then work with Gloria to create another routine, which will strengthen the muscles I need for a good, solid chaturanga, which will in turn strengthen my overall practice. To learn from the bottom up like this, creating a super solid foundation, is SO important. I feel so lucky to have this opportunity to learn how to literally fix my body and undo a lot of the damage and tightness that’s been created by bad habits. Yoga is so totally amazing!

So, I did end up making it to all my intended classes last week and each week, yay! I went Monday, Wednesday (plus assisted on Wednesday night), Thursday & Sunday. Whew, I was beat though, and was definitely ready for a break. My legs, arms, back & core are constantly sore, but not too sore, just enough to remind me that what I am doing is working. I am really excited because I signed up for a yoga retreat at an Italian Villa right on the ocean in Monterey! I am going with a group of people I don’t know (although they all practice at my studio), but am really excited about the adventure, as my mindset these days as far as yoga goes is that if I am going to do it, I am going to do it all the way.

I have my second weekend of teacher training coming up and have been having trouble getting through my assignments, mostly because of my darling and needy little toddler. We are currently tromping our way through Patanjali’s “Yoga Sutras” and B.K. Iyengar’s “Light on Yoga.” Both are brilliant, key texts of yoga but challenging reads. Maybe it is because I haven’t read to really learn, so to speak, in several years, but I am finding I have to read each sentence a couple of times before it sinks in. I feel like I am learning a different language, which in some ways, I actually am. We are learning all the asanas (poses) in Sanskrit, as well as hundreds of yoga terms and references. As compared with typical learning, it’s hard to get these Sanskrit terms to imprint on my brain and I have a hard time recalling them, which is probably why I have been obsessively dreaming in Sanskrit. Seriously, I have had trouble sleeping for the past few months because everything is just swirling around in my brain at night. A few weeks ago I woke with a start and blurted out, “Ardha Chandrasana!” Which is my most dreaded pose…

Last week it was hard to get to yoga class. I did go Monday & Wednesday, yay! But on Sunday, I woke up with a sinus headache and then I missed Thursday’s class because, I was up late the night before (late being 11pm. I am such a rebel), celebrating my 34^th birthday. I am too old to be up late!! I feel really bad about missing these classes for several reasons…I don’t want my teachers to be disappointed in me, I don’t want to give up these opportunities to practice (which is the whole point) and lastly, I feel like I cheated myself out of doing something that always makes me feel better in every way. So, I have spent the last few days feeling bad and wallowing in my self-inflicted laziness sickness. I realized today, that all I can do is DO BETTER, so, I am committing to going to yoga on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Sunday. I will check in next week to report on my progress. I love that just writing this down and posting it on my blog, makes me feel accountable.

Quick update: So, even though I had a terrible sleep last night, I got up and dragged my sleepy self to yoga. And, I feel great : )

Even though I had experienced a little nervousness prior to the first weekend of class, as described in my last post, I ended up quite calm the first morning. I had been worried, not so much about the physicality of class, but a little more so about the group and the group dynamic. What would it be like to sit in a class with 20 other people I don’t know yet? In a group setting such as this, I have heard that you get pretty intimate and close, both physically and emotionally. Yoga opens you up in those ways. So, my fear stemmed from the thought that I wouldn’t connect with this group. Plus, I so dread those “ice-breaker” games, and getting to know a large group because (and people who know me well, know the truth), deep down, I can actually be quite shy. However, as soon as I entered the studio and looked at the faces of my classmates, sitting on the comfy velvet chairs, drinking tea, chatting easily, I just knew it would be fine. And it was. It was more than fine. I felt like I was at home and the feeling just grew throughout class. On Sunday morning, the second day, I felt like I was meeting up with old friends to discuss and learn more about the common love we share of yoga.

What I love so much about yoga is the fact that it is so much more than exercise. On both Saturday and Sunday we did hours of asana practice and hours of study. My limbs were shaking and my tendons felt ready to pop off my body – I am really serious here. On Sunday, there were times when I thought my body would fail me. Ah, the mind…so powerful and such a liar sometimes! By focusing on my breath and sinking more into my body, I was able to do so much more than I ever thought I could. The most important thing I learned, which I already knew – but was somehow afraid that I would be wrong – was that I am truly in love with yoga. It is part medicine, part science and part art, and I just find everything about it profoundly beautiful, challenging and necessary. I can’t wait to continue with this journey.

Moving forward with the practical elements, I volunteered to assist my teacher in a yoga therapy workshop each Wednesday for six weeks. I am so honored and thrilled to be a part of something like this, but a little nervous that I don’t know enough. I met with my teacher today, and I am now obsessed with the back muscles and which yoga therapy techniques are used to alleviate serious pain. We are always told to strengthen our core to help our backs, but to get to the source of the problem, one needs to address a weak/tight psoas muscle. I found this entire theory fascinating and as we walked through our yoga therapy sequence for the class, I began to obsess about the healing qualities of yoga. It truly can be life-changing for people, all without pills and visits to the doctor. This is an incredibly exciting subject to study, for the healing qualities alone, not to mention all the other benefits. I also need to begin my own practice, which has always been a bit of a struggle for me, so I need to start slowly. I am committing to 15 minutes each day, as well as classes at the studio 3 – 4 times a week. There is going to be quite a shift in my current schedule, and I would be lying if I told you I didn’t struggle with being apart from Matty much more than either of us is used to. However, I know in my heart that yoga will make me a happier mama and open me up even more so I can give more to my precious love bug and my entire family, for that matter.

This weekend I begin my first day of Advanced Studies in Yoga, which leads to my ultimate goal of becoming a yoga teacher. After a year and a half of being 99% baby focused and 1% focused on my business & my personal life, I feel slight trepidation at the idea of paying so much attention to the much neglected elements of MY development. I fear I have lost the ability to exist in an environment outside of my little circle of 4 (me, my husband, my son, and our ungrateful feist of a cat). I haven’t really kept up with what’s current, and I have truly lost all confidence in my capability to carry on an intelligent conversation in a non-baby voice tone. I don’t trust myself right now, at least in the sense of the “real world.” When it comes to what a baby might need or want, how to whip up a really healthy zucchini pie or how to dance crazy to prevent a tantrum, I consider myself quite competent. Other than that, I fear I am what I would kindly refer to as a little behind the times. This has been best 16.2 months of my life, but let’s be honest, I truly haven’t ventured much out of the safe and cozy realm of caring for my kid, my hubby and my house, other than the occasional mamas’ night or day out, which, let’s face it, all we do is talk about our husbands and kids and enjoy a few glasses of wine – not exactly life changing, but oh-so-much-fun!! So, it’s time for this mama to leave the nest, just for the weekend, to delve into my passion, to commit to working on myself, to building my practice, to learning to not feel guilty about leaving my baby and to focus on this amazing opportunity that could have a true impact on my entire family.

I just really hope that I can rally with the other yogis there, and that my mommy-hood hasn’t taken or stalled my stamina, strength and the deep desire I used to have to really challenge myself.

Namaste!